Summer movies are all about things blowing up and you going, “Yeah!” I don’t want to see The King’s Speech in the middle of summer. I want to watch Will Smith punch an alien in the face and say, “Go back to Uranus,” and then everyone laughs. Beautiful Boy? Save that shit for October, save it for Academy Awards time. I don’t want to see Michael Sheen crying or anyone crying. Save your Oscar bait for later on. Unless Michael Sheen blows up that beautiful boy, or that beautiful boy is an alien, or Maria Bello is a terminator from the future sent to kill Michael Sheen, I do not want to see it.

The heaviest I could probably go is Harry Potter. I have a love-hate relationship with Transformers. That is a movie franchise that I feel like a battered wife for: I didn’t like the first Transformers, but then I got myself so psyched up for the second one. Like, Oh, but the second one is gonna be good. They’ve learned their lesson. And that one, that was really bad. That was, like, upsettingly bad. That made me never want to see movies again. It was, like, longer than Gone With the Wind. And yet again, I’m psyched to see Transformers 3. I’m like,Now it’s going to be good! And I believe it when the actors say it. Shia LaBeouf is like, “Nah, nah, this one’s gonna be good.” And I’m like, Yeah, Shia, I believe you!

The trailer for Horrible Bosses looks super funny, but we’re supposed to believe that Jennifer Aniston wanting to have sex with you is a bad thing? It’s like, “Oh, my boss wants to have sex with me.” Oh no, not your super-hot boss Jennifer Aniston!

Rise of Planet of the Apes: I don’t know about this movie. This is a movie where I feel like it’s going to be all setup for the next movie. I want to see the apes running around beating people up. This one just seems like the apes are getting smart. It’s like, getting smart? I want to see them be smart.